Travel writing

On sugar cane juice and bad English

I’ve written extensively about sugar cane juice: delicious, glorious, and unknown in the UK. My brother pointed it out to me across a busy intersection when we were in Marrakesh, and I flung myself across the road, drooling.

No need to wave me over, sir.

Blah, blah — it’s amazing. I love it desperately. It tastes of the places I crave: those that are far away, with tastes and smells and languages I don’t recognise.

But not only did I have this drink of the gods, I also saw this list of the top nine (?) of its benefits. Let me list them, and translate them, for you.

1. Helps Diuresis

It makes you pee, because it’s liquid.

2. Gives Body Each What it Need of Energy Each Day

It has a reasonable amount of calories, because it’s from sugar cane.

3. Helps to Open the Appetite


4. Protects Against Atherosclerosis

It doesn’t have cholesterol, so it doesn’t make fat settle in your arteries. It. Is. Juice.

5. Helps to Address Thinness

It is full of sugar. No.

6. Expels Toxins from Body

… because it makes you pee. See point 1.

7. Helps to Strengthen Bones and Action the Liver


8. Irresistible Constipation

I have nothing to say apart from that I am delighted.

9. Does Not Contain Any Additives Or Preservatives

Well, duh. They press it in front of you.

How could you say no?